Ask if I’m preggo? That’s a No Go.
*this topic may be triggering to some. Both conversations about body image and pregnancy and pregnancy loss is discussed*
So today at work I was asked if I was pregnant. I am not pregnant. I’m just fabulously full figured.
A nurse walked up to me, just beaming and asked, very excitedly “ I don’t want to ask” (while looking at my stomach and back at me with glee) “but I really want to ask!”
“No,” I replied, “You don’t want to ask. We’ve been trying for awhile, but have experienced some loss, and it’s just not in the cards for us.”
She laughed it off. I didn’t.
This interaction bothered me for two reasons.
First. This question is NEVER appropriate.
Maybe I’m just fat, and your comment is just hurtful. My self esteem can be fragile on my most confident days. And on my not confident days this kind of comment can be crushing. Sometimes people are actively working on being healthier- eating, exercising, and taking the best care of this body temple that we can. Maybe being reminded that despite all of our efforts and hard work no one can really see what that journey has looked like.
Sure, the hope is that I can find my own self motivation, and feel good about myself, all by myself, but hot diggity is it crushing when others blatantly DON’T notice those efforts, and more or less tell you it looks like you’ve gotten worse not better.
Secondly. The journey that women have towards fertility and pregnancy is so unique, intimate, and sometimes heart wrenching.
Some women get lucky and find themselves pregnant just thinking about it.
Some women invest a significant amount of time, and often money, to support their fertility.
Some women are grieving the loss of angel babies- whether it’s from early loss to still birth.
Some women find out that despite all of their hopes, dreams, and wishes learn that their body has a different plan for them, and children isn’t a part of it.
When you ask a woman a question about pregnancy based on just visual cues you don’t know what their story has been so far. You could be re-traumatizing her, reminding her of losses, and you don’t know how recent those may be. You could be reminding her of something she desperately longs for, but tries to put at the back of her mind.
And frankly it’s just none of your damn business.
Foot From Mouth Surgery- How to Recover From Making Stupid Comments:
1) Show yourself some grace. Really, you aren’t alone. Lots of people have foot-in-mouth syndrome. Many have done it before you, many will do it after you. And honestly you’ll probably do it again sometime. So give yourself some grace.
2) Don’t make excuses. Even if you didn’t INTEND for the comment to be hurtful, that’s how the other person experienced it. Don’t be defensive, just own it.
3) Ask yourself sincerely, “is there a way I can make this better (or make amends, depends on how fancy you are). Maybe you can send a quick note- handwritten or email- letting them know you regret what you said. Sometimes our actions or words don’t have the intended meaning- showing that you recognize that, and acknowledge your role in it can make a big difference in healing that relationship.
4) Be like the famed ice queen and LET IT GO. It happened. It’s over. Let it go. Don’t agonize over it, or bring it up again and again. Make it right and move forward. Know you know better so in the future you can be better, and do better. That’s the best anyone can ask for.
TLDR: End up with your foot in your mouth? Apologize sincerely and move forward.